The thing we really like in our new caravan is that it has its own toilet and shower. No more wondering if the water will be hot in the park showers, 3 am trips with a head torch (shouldn’t have had that extra beer), etc.

The thing I really dislike in our new caravan is that it has its own toilet…

Now everyone with their own toilet has to empty them at some stage and that means a trip to the dump point. I never thought I’d end up scouring wikicamps for a new place to stay and asking ‘Does it have a dump point?’

Now dump points come in a variety of shapes and sizes from the flash big blue jobs with lid and hose to just a piece of sewer pipe with a lid. Taking the cassette to the dump point has a number of different names as well – ‘walking the dog’, ‘the walk of shame’ – but it appears to be one area that equality of the sexes is missing. It always seems to be the bloke who ends up with this job.

Emptying it is not the best of fun either. I use disposable gloves but I think I’d prefer a Tyvek suit, positive breathing apparatus and chemical spill gloves. Some of this stuff is like a combination of toxic waste and velcro! And there’s always the danger of splash back! You always hope the last person cleaned up after they’d finished as well. The last thing you need is a Harry Butler class in scat identification.

Now I know some people (no names mentioned!) reading this will be smugly thinking to themselves ‘Ah, but we have a composting toilet.’

Composting toilets are for those who like to bring something home they’ve made themselves. Something to spread around the garden. But don’t be fooled! They don’t escape the dump point either! Composting toilets require you to train your bowels and bladder to operate independently at all times. There’s a separate container for number ones and twos. The number one container still needs emptying – at the dump point. With no treatment to oxidise those smelly thio compounds, it still smells like, well, a stale bottle of…

And because this ends up being my job the rule for our toilet is number ones only!